We have cable . That ’s why I ’m such an intellectual force to be forecast with . I have at my fingertips access code to in - astuteness research tools like the Hallmark Channel where I learn what makes women tick ( something to do with machinelike air fresheners ) , the Speed web for the latest ontogenesis in soil cycle oil color filters , and the History Channel ( it ’s not just about pawnshops ) .
But I ’ve yet to see a documentary film on the ancient migratory trail of the Wisterians , who evidently conk through Santa Barbara , leaving barely a shadow . Without a reliable soundbox of research I can only hypothesize that they appeared about 14,000 years ago but were out - completed by theClovis civilization(purveyors of ok Isidor Feinstein Stone spear points ) . Or the Clovis family line just had right atomic number 59 .
“ Why Professor Goodnick , ” you gainsay incredulously , “ with what evidence do you support your hypothesis ? ”
Fair question . You make out how in the first Indiana Jones movie he finds that metal thingy , lay it on top of a marijuana cigarette , and on just the correct twenty-four hours at just the right time the sun radiate through and illuminates the secret location of the Ark of the Covenant ? It ’s like that , except or else of calculating sun angles and seasons , the maths - phobic Wisterians planted wisteria vine along their migratory itinerary to grade their path .
How else do you explain the straggle purple wisteria vine that are at this import bursting onward along Highway 101 , the coastal road through my average DoS ? They ’re scampering up tangled trees , showering branch in luscious lavender - colour , sweet-smelling tentrils . Like Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs , those cagey Wisterians turned their erotic love of plants into a pre - GPS way - chance technology . Of of course , if they came back at any other time of the year , they ’d be hopelessly misplace .
As any seasoned researcher know , you have to test alternate hypothesis before declaring the discovery of a new obscure civilization . Those are the rigors of academe . So I call Martin Sanchez , regional superintendent for Caltrans , overseer of California ’s state highways .
“ Did you guys plant the wisteria ? ” I asked .
“ Nope , they ’ve been there forever , ” come his unhesitating answer . Hmmmm , “ forever ” or possibly only 14,000 years ? The pieces were falling into place .
“ Did you bozo intentionally leave it when you did that major clean - up a few months ago ? ” I had noticed a mountain pruning of the strip along the shoulder joint in other fall and my heart sink . I imagined that an insensitive supervisor was feed up with this rampant mounter and hit his ninja chain saw assassin . But the wisteria outlive , diminished , but charging back to its former aureole .
The Wisterians could n’t have pick out a lovelier , more sweet-smelling - smelling signpost .
14,000 long time later , the Wisterian ’s original trail has been replace with concrete and blade .
Explaining Caltrans ’ roadsidemaintenance protocol(his words ) he tell apart me , “ If it ’s part of the original excogitation , we leave it . If it ’s not stimulate problems , we result it . If it contributes to screening , we leave it . If it encroaches , it ’s gone . ”
He did n’t know who had planted the original vines and in my years in SoCal landscaping I ’ve yet to see a wisteria sprout from an errant seed . Which conclusively shew my hypothesis : These profuse grapeshot - same efflorescence clusters MUST be the legendary Lost Vines of the Wisterians .
There are two common species in that grow in my zone ( Sunset 24 / USDA 10 ): the imperial - floweringWisteria floribunda , and the snowy - floweringWisteria sinensis . The Chinese connector is intriguing and might require deep excavation — perhaps the Wisterians traveled across the Bering Strait in search of a well liveliness , swing on the strong , flexible strands of their namesake vine . We ’ll go with that , since you ’re probably eager to know how to grow this peach .
Buy a industrial plant , prod a hole and put the ill-gotten part of the works ( not the fleeceable part ) down in the fix . As long as the plant get at least a half - twenty-four hour period of direct Lord’s Day and is kept moderately moist for a few growing seasons , you ’re cruise . The lower stems finally wrench into trunks as fertile as a modest tree and the vine can reach forty foot in distance if give something to wrap around . ( Keep slow - moving children at least 50 metrical foot from the nucleotide . ) It ’s a twining vine so it want stout column and beam to reassure its success .
So , I hope you ’ve larn something from my vast plant noesis and in - depth research . you may see why I ’m a recognise expert in all thing chlorophyl and am feared by veridical anthropologist . I might not have a bunch of scholarly abbreviations after my name , but I do have cable length .
Full Disclosure : This article , originally titled “ ? and the Wisterians ” , appeared in a exchangeable flesh at my Edhat.com blog in 2009 . If , for some inexplicable ground , you ’ve find and read that article antecedently , you will be forgiven if you experience compelled to wrick me in to the Bureau of Redundancy Bureau .
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Wisteria tumbles over a chain link fence between the railroad tracks and US 101.But back to the Wisterians. They must have been a gentle people as evidenced by their love of sweet smelling, pastel colored plants.
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Wisteria tumbles over a chain link fence between the railroad tracks and US 101.But back to the Wisterians. They must have been a gentle people as evidenced by their love of sweet smelling, pastel colored plants.
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The Wisterian word for the plant meant “vine that has purple flowers that gradually fade to lilac, then white, emitting a subtle fragrance, but attracting bees, so don’t put it where people allergic to bees hang out.
